My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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