what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We talked him into tasing himself.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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