Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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