Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
