Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
