I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
