Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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