I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
