Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
