We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
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Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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