i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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