i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you had me at cake vodka
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
