I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
