I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
