barbara walters just said penis...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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