Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
