I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
