happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
