Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
