you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
