I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
