I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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