i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
