I met the friendliest cop last night
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
