the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
