I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
