just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
