OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your cock deserves a montage
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
