Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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