i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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