My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
