Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
