So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my phone needs a breathalizer
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
