dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
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at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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