So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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