My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
