I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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