i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
