My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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