I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He did a backflip because drugs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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