I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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