How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
