My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
