When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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