Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
