i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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