I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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