we made out on top of his cat.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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