you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
