I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
