That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
