I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
