Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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