My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
These tits shall not be calmed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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