i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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