Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My cat gives me a boner
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
