The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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