I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
