There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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